There is a project called “It Gets Better” It is where LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, BiSexual & Transgender) people record videos to teens telling them It gets Better. What gets better? Life does. Life is not high school, life changes as you grow up. This is all in response to the teen suicides that have been happening, caused by kids who are being bullied for being gay. Not that these types of suicides haven’t happened before, but there is attention on them now and it is a good reason to send this positive message.
You can find many videos by going to http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject and there are lots of really neat videos there, including one from Rick Mercer which he aired on his show (RMR) as one of his rants, and a 30 second clip of Sarah Silverman saying how if adults are going to tell Gays they can’t marry or server their country then is it a shock that kids are bullying other kids for the “crime” of being gay? I watched, perhaps 20 videos today in one sitting. I watched a few more through the last few days.
I have been sitting on this post because the idea of “It Gets Better” is about LGBT telling the youth of today that it is OK and things will work out, I am not L, G, B or T. I’m not even Q (Questioning). I was however a bullied teen. Heck I was bullied for many reasons and very often called a fag, called a dyke, a lesbian you name it. I’m not, that didn’t matter. My friends today say I am the gayest straight girl you will ever meet. Perhaps this is true, perhaps the kids back then were grasping onto something evident then… truth is they were kids, they picked on me for everything. They teased me for being fat, for being poor (which as an adult, looking back I realize I was far from it, but as a kid, I thought I was, partly due to the bullying. Partly for other reasons not related to this post). They teased me for my hair being oily, for my pimples, for my clothes, they teased me when I was flat chested, they teased me when my boobs grew. If I had old dated clothes, they teased me, if I bought new hip clothes they teased me. It didn’t matter what I did, they teased me. Oddly I don’t have many memories of being teased for having ADD, one would think that would have been the easiest to make fun of, that I had an extra class to learn to study, or that I took my tests in a different room. For me the worst part of childhood wasn’t high school because by then I knew, and hoped there was something else, there was an escape. I knew, when I graduated I would never have to deal with these people again. The worst part for me was between 6th and 9th grade I think. Between when it was names, taunts and only mild physical bullying, to the time when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and I had somehow got it in my head that what these people thought of me didn’t matter. Those three years things got really harsh, it was when the insults were terribly personal and the bullies seemed to do research to figure out how to unhinge me. When they would use other people to get to me, when they found ways to make me hate myself. I wish I could say it was only in school I had this sort of unwanted attention. Things also got pretty physical. It could have gotten really out of hand too and I often attribute a moment of me losing control and letting my temper show in school… that and the bully not wanting anyone to know it was me that hurt him… but that was small. This is when I learned that gum stuck in your hair needs to be frozen with an ice cube before you can begin to try and save any hair from it. How hair spray can get paint and ink out of your clothes, because people put it on your chair when you went to the restroom and then pointed and laughed that you menstruated on yourself. (Being a late bloomer it was just one more thing I was embarrassed about, and there really was no defense from that). I learned that when people give you compliments it is just them setting you up to make a bigger, meaner joke. That one stuck with me for so long that it is hard to accept compliments. I remember in college someone telling me I looked pretty and I bit his head off for it, because I expected it was a big joke. I look back at photos and I wasn’t any of the things that they teased me for. Sure I was weird, but I wasn’t the huge freak of nature I thought I was. I cried myself to sleep thinking about how I made everyone’s life miserable… What I couldn’t see then was that it wasn’t me.
Bullying is never about the victim, it is about the bully. Bulies bully because they are miserable, it is about them. They are out there trying to make you feel as bad as they do. Or, they are deflecting, they feel fat, ugly or weird and so they point out you are to keep the attention off them. Some bullies bully because they are being bullied elsewhere. They are getting hit at home, or something else, so they come into school and act out the same abuse they are receiving from the people who are supposed to take care of them. Then there’s the worst one to come to terms with, the bully who doesn’t know they are bullying. There was a kid in my school that no matter what I said, anytime I spoke up in class he would mock me to the whole class and continue for the next few days. Much later, I was in college and he was working with my sister, when talking he told my sister that for some reason I hated him. When she told me I was shocked, because his case in point for me hating him had nothing to do with anything. It was a small little thing that happened once… I simply responded to him being an oaf (and a homophobe if I remember) and called him out on it. One of the few times I spoke up for myself. As anyone who knows me, you know I like to talk, I have the gift for gab, the fact that I almost never spoke in school should let you know how much I was conditioned to not speak up. Point is, this guy didn’t know he was a bully to me, didn’t know that since grade school he had been making me the big joke, he was clueless. Sadly, I think most of the kids who were my bullies, didn’t realize they were. They just went with the crowd, everyone thought I was weird and picked on me, so everyone thought I was weird and picked on me. I learned once from someone that when she first moved and came to school she was told to not be my friend, if she was she wouldn’t have any others. In school I only had one “friend” who in truth wasn’t a friend and was using me. Still, I had one. Just one. Suppose I might be lucky for that, who knows.
High School as I said was a changer for me. First off, my niece was born, and that opened my eyes. I saw the world in a different way, I could see that there was a lot more to life then what I was seeing. Taking care of a little baby can do that to you, it changes everything. I changed a lot of things thanks to my niece. I got my temper in control thanks to her(long story) and I started looking towards the future. By the time I graduated I had my eye on the prize, perhaps a little too much. In college so much of what I was doing was all to make sure that as an adult I had everything I needed. A degree, work skills, good references, you name it. I might have missed out on some of the slacker behavior my peers did… course that didn’t mean I didn’t party and have fun.
After college though, it just got better and better. College was great by showing me that my mind was not wrong, I was not a freak for reading all the time. Liking star trek was not the end of the world. By the time I was out and hanging out with metal bands and out with lots of friends I found that some of the coolest people were like me. Weird. Being weird is good. Being a geek is good. Thinking for yourself and coming up with your own opinions is good.
It gets better, and it is awesome.
I’m so glad I never fell as low as far too many kids do, I wish I could let kids today know that it does get better. I wish they would believe me.
Also check out http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
24h national hot line for anyone who needs it
It is unspeakably sad knowing that the judgment of a few (and silent approval of it by many others) can cause so much pain that it would lead someone to suicide. Thank you for being so open and honest about you painful experiences.
I was mocked in school as well, pretty much everyone I’ve ever been friends with was, but I developed an armor against it and eventually discarded people that caused me pain. Living in a very sarcastic family it’s not hard to do. It was especially easy with those that knew they did it and didn’t stop. Life is far too short to waste on people that drag you down rather than lift you up. I’m re-learning those lessons, as I had gotten used to taking insults again over the last 20 years. My knees are wobbly, but I work hard at not taking crap anymore. Crazy that I had to learn that lesson again, but life is full of surprises. Rediscovering myself and that shy inner voice that can’t be heard above the mockery? Totally worth all the difficulty of standing up for myself.
I’m glad that we have both found value in ourselves, rather than allowing others to define our value. You are an amazing woman, and anyone that says otherwise is insecure with themselves. So to hell with ’em.
A friend of mine said to me on facebook that as nice as this project is, telling kids it gets better isn’t enough. We need to stop what these kids are going though. As much as I would love to do that, I don’t know how. I know that this is the first step.
I think the more people are open and honest about their own failings and pain the better it will be for everyone. If kids knew how they were not the only one crying themselves to sleep they might not think of suicide. Heck they might be able to find fellow freaks.
I found our recently that someone from school who was supposed to be one of the cool girls was basically the cool girls toy. They bullied her within their own little circle. She used to not be able to go home after school because of tricks and people waiting to beat her up. She tried so hard to fit in and in our senior year she tried to kill herself. She was sent to a hospital for a few months and when she came back had no friends and acted really strange. Her strange behavior was her way of keeping the bullies away, it wasn’t till much later she started to really be able to identify what kinds of things she liked and didn’t like, her own identity. For her, school was nothing more then pretending to be who people wanted her to be. Growing up with this girl I thought she had it all, i thought she was one of the lucky ones. She had friends, nice clothes, good family, boys liked her. Nope, she had a bad family, friends who made her life hell, boys who demanded things from her. Had I known then… things might have been different. Though I can’t imagine anyone in school didn’t know I was in hell, but I wonder.
I am so glad for everything I have in my adult life. I still have to deal with a lot of the issues I had back then, even people calling me the nice name from then is traumatic (Yeah I kinda changed my name) but for the most part, life is good and I can focus on the people who love me, not want to tear me down. I just wish I could help kids get the filter I have.
RT @nuchtchas: [Blog Post} It Gets Better http://nimlas.org/blog/?p=211 my take on things here (daytime reminder) #itgetsbetter
I find it annoying that kids have been killing and harming themselves for years because of bullying, for whatever reason, and as soon as 4 gay kids in a row kill themselves and make it onto the news, OMGWTF WE HAVE TO STOP THE KILLING OF GAY KIDS. Next thing we see is a giant campaign to help the gay kids that are having bully problems. What about the rest of the bullied kids? What about the rest of the suicides, self injurious behaviour, depression, etc, caused by bullying world wide? It knows no sexual, racial, economic or social boundaries. No one group is more affected than others. "It gets better" is a fantastic campaign with a great goal in mind. I just wish they'd tell other people too.
http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/http://www.stopbullyingnow.com/
It's not a start, though. That's like telling an abused kid their only out is to grow up, that no one cares enough to reach out a hand to them. It's basically saying "you're on your own kid."There's a whole discussion on this here, including a few good points Tancid made. If you can't see them I'll be happy to repost it, I just feel it's kinda rude to start copy/pasting on someone else's board without permission. :)http://www.facebook.com/katfireblade?v=wall&story_fbid=155381031162119&po=1
Well, at least its getting public attention and getting everyone talking about it. Wether you agree its a good start or not, at least the discussion about how to help has been started, and is finally in the public eye.I guess we can all be happy about that then.
So is the better solution to say nothing at all? If I could stop the bullying I would. Heck my niece is a teen right now, she is dealing with this stuff and has been to the hospital for being suicidal. I can't MAKE her life better, I can't make the kids leave her alone. We work with what we have. All I can do is give her my experience and try and help her. We make sure she isn't in risky situations, but that comes at a price too. Does it mean she can't get involved or try to be social simply because the mean kids are there? I prep her with replies to what bullies might try and say or do to trick her into a bad situation. Her school has her in group therapy, she sees two shrinks and still there are problems. The school is as proactive as they can be now but it doesn't stop it. Saying it shouldn't exits is great, saying we should do something is great too, but you nor I can wave a magic wand to make it all happen. Kids experience this kind of hate because it is legal and accepted by society. By saying it gets better it tells the kids that things can change, also, it gets the message out to try and change the idea of behavior. Schools are doing bully intervention now, they never had that when I was young. There is so much out there now that wasn't there when we were kids, yet kids are still in pain. How do we fix a behavior that has been going on since the dawn of humanity? Humans are ugly creatures, and just getting mad doesn't solve anything. Raising awareness and sending a message won't fix anything either, but perhaps, perhaps, it might make one or two kids not try and kill themselves. I think that's worth it.Also, bullying is always a hard topic for those of use who were bullied to address, because no one listened to us, no one helped us, there was no help at all. Being told to ignore them was infuriating and being told to not show off, or try and blend into the background didn't stop the bullies, nothing did. When I was young, and many I know, we were essentially made to feel that we were at fault. The bullies picked on us because we made them. If we weren't so mouthy, so smart, got good grades, wore the wrong clothes, said the wrong things, you name it. It was like being an abused kid, we were told it was our fault for getting hit. This, this is something telling them it's not their fault. It is not wrong to be who they are. You have to agree it is at least better then what we had.
I think it's a good start, but that's all it is is a start. And it's a start I've seen made before. But when the celebrities are no longer on the bandwagon, what then? I'd like to see the celebrities pushing for programs to help change school policies so that bullied kids can do more than just take it and hope "it gets better."Sure, we have an awareness campaign, this is good. But who isn't aware that bullying goes on in school or the damage it can cause? It was portrayed in Spider-Man comics in the 1960s. It was a constant central theme of movies in the 1980's. It has been an ongoing discussion for decades.And in all that time, older people have been telling younger people that "it gets better." I can't think of a single bullied person who hasn't heard that at least once. But when every day, for eight hours, you have to watch your back, hide out in bathrooms, always look over your shoulder, and brace yourself to be tormented, humiliated, and even physically harmed, you don't care that you'll be free in four years, two years, or even one. You care that it hurts RIGHT NOW. And that you are BEGGING for someone to save you, and all they can offer is a friendly clap on the shoulder and the advice "it gets better."I hope this whole campaign starts something, I really do. But I see it as an easy way for people to feel good about themselves. Make a video in the comfort, convenience, and security of your own home, put it out there, and clap yourself on the back. But where will these same people be when the next PTA meeting comes around, when the next school board election happens, or the next time schools need money in their budgets so they can hire more teachers to take care of all these kids? Will they be there on the ground floor fighting for them, or will they have moved on, satisfied with a job well done?Words are merely words without action to back them, and when it comes to bullying, kids have always heard lots and lots of words. But when you turn around and walk away, those actions say more than all the positive stories in the world.
well I think one difference here is this is a campaign from people who have been there. Sure I heard those words as a kid, but no one who spoke them could relate to my issues. Even now, one of my sisters is just realizing how bad it was for me, as she watches her daughter go through hell. She realizes that she never knew what I was dealing with, because she was only ignored in school. I would have loved to have been ignored.Trust me, you don't need to tell me what it is like. I have been there. Hopefully reading my post here you can see I have. I didn't go into detail because this wasn't about me, it wasn't about the pain I felt then. Its not about how often I will freak out at my husband for something innocent because of what the bullies have me conditioned to react to. It isn't about any of that, it is about the next generation, the ones feeling that pain now.There is a lot more then just video messages. There is the Trevor project (linked) the stopbullyingnow project (linked in comments) there is the mandated antibullying programs all schools are doing now (yes they are doing them, I have seen them in action) there are special programs that are brought into schools when there is a problem. There are books, support groups and loads of things people are trying. You can't just get mad that an impossible problem isn't solved. It takes all of these approaches to even begin to address this issue.you said it has been going on forever, how do you plan to solve something with that sort of history? It can't happen over night.
Heh. Never said it would. Not even saying it I expect anyone else to solve it overnight, or that it will ever be solved fully at all. There will be bullies as long as there are people who think stepping on other people is okay. It IS a long road, and it will require even adults rethinking what's acceptable and what's not. That's not something that is easy to accomplish.On the flip side, I don't see this campaign as any different as the adults who told me it would get better. Many of them had been bullied, too. The thing is, it didn't get better. The bullying stopped, but the low self esteem, the fear of people and crowds, and about a couple dozen knee jerk, irrational reactions remain. My life circumstances changed, but "it gets better" is a lie. A more truthful turn of phrase would be "Just hang on kid, your 18th birthday is coming; tread water until then. It might get better and it might not, but at least you'll be away from the bullies."I am not personally attacking anyone who supports or participates in this campaign–as I said before, it's a great start. But I see it as only a start, and I am concerned how the popularity of this campaign is overshadowing more worthy ones. The other links you gave are the ones that should be making the rounds, but often they are not connected to the reposted videos I see, nor mentioned on the videos themselves. So yes, I have concern, about both the campaign and what I see as a "hopeful lie" given to kids so they won't do anything drastic. I think it just comes down to different filters through which we see the world. I think we're still both on the side of the angels, just fighting from different corners. :)
Well not all the videos talk about the links I gave, but quite a few do, the Tim Gunn one did, case in point.I do agree that I fear that this will be a fad from the celebs but I do hope it is something that continues at least from the normal people. I think some of the most inspiring videos I have seen are not the celebrities, but the normal people. Heck, i think it takes great courage to even make one.I think it is funny, to see people who I know were (or still are to an extent) promote these videos. So often the bullies have no idea what they are doing.While yes there are lasting effects, and yes it takes a lot of our adult life repairing those scars, you do get a break from the hate, so you can address the wounds it left behind.A friend once told me about her own recovery "I'm patched up, but the glue is still tacky." Kinda fitting I think.
Supremely fitting. :)
http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids/http://www.stopbullyingnow.com/
It's not a start, though. That's like telling an abused kid their only out is to grow up, that no one cares enough to reach out a hand to them. It's basically saying "you're on your own kid."There's a whole discussion on this here, including a few good points Tancid made. If you can't see them I'll be happy to repost it, I just feel it's kinda rude to start copy/pasting on someone else's board without permission. :)http://www.facebook.com/katfireblade?v=wall&story_fbid=155381031162119&po=1
well I think one difference here is this is a campaign from people who have been there. Sure I heard those words as a kid, but no one who spoke them could relate to my issues. Even now, one of my sisters is just realizing how bad it was for me, as she watches her daughter go through hell. She realizes that she never knew what I was dealing with, because she was only ignored in school. I would have loved to have been ignored.Trust me, you don't need to tell me what it is like. I have been there. Hopefully reading my post here you can see I have. I didn't go into detail because this wasn't about me, it wasn't about the pain I felt then. Its not about how often I will freak out at my husband for something innocent because of what the bullies have me conditioned to react to. It isn't about any of that, it is about the next generation, the ones feeling that pain now.There is a lot more then just video messages. There is the Trevor project (linked) the stopbullyingnow project (linked in comments) there is the mandated antibullying programs all schools are doing now (yes they are doing them, I have seen them in action) there are special programs that are brought into schools when there is a problem. There are books, support groups and loads of things people are trying. You can't just get mad that an impossible problem isn't solved. It takes all of these approaches to even begin to address this issue.you said it has been going on forever, how do you plan to solve something with that sort of history? It can't happen over night.