Category Archives: rant

I love who I am, do you love who you are?

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I was going to write about something completely frivolous today, but I can’t.  I’m too angry.  For the past few days I have been seeing a lot of articles and links and videos all talking about the same thing, body size.  In one article it talked about loving the fat body you have, a great inspiring piece until I realized the author was a size 10 and this is what she thought of as fat.  If she thinks size 10 is fat (I saw her pictures, she should be on the cover of a Jenny Craig ad) what does that say about real fat women (and men)?  People who struggle every day to be treated like everyone else.

Yes Virginia, there is one more accepted form of mistreatment of people in our modern culture, it’s OK to hate the fat person.  It’s OK to not try and help them in a store, it’s OK to be rude to them, it’s OK to make fun of them and laugh at them within hearing range, it’s even OK to shout “Fat B***” at them from your car as you speed past them while they are going for a walk jog or run.  Why do I say this?  Because I live it, have lived it and am still living it.  I can tell you that when I was smaller in size (I lost 80 lbs in 2000, I realized this year that in the last 8 years I gained all of that back, slowly but surely, 8 lbs a year it crept back on me) people treated me differently.  I was startled at the help I got in stores, the kind of help I only ever got from some Avenue locations before, I was amazed that instead of yelling mean things at me from cars men were whistling at me (Still not cool guys) I didn’t hear people comment on what I was eating when out, didn’t hear the laughter and generaly was treated nicer.  As I gained the weight back things slipped back into how it used to be, it was when I had finally started losing weight again a few years back that I realized it, when I was out for a power walk and someone shouted from their car that I was a “Fat B***”, I can tell you that it crushed me.  Her I was, trying to get control of my size again and the negative attention just threw me off course.  I still haven’t really gotten over this, I know it shouldn’t bother me so much, but it does.  I was in a nice neighborhood (by my Mom’s house, people are normally very sweet and nice there and no one locks their doors) and it just threw me.  I was back to being a second class citizen.

I saw this Ad for the Biggest Loser Australia today, and it made me so angry, “The Ad” [1] is not kind or empowering like the marketers seem to think it is.  (I warn you, this ad may trigger feelings you won’t be able to deal with, if you have body and self esteem issues you might want to skip watching the ad), basically the new contestants for the show say they want to lose weight so they can have confidence and so they can be allowed to be loved, because no one could love or even like a person their size.

Good Reasons to want to lose Volume:

  • I’m not healthy at my current weight (i.e. sugar level issues, cholesterol, blood pressure and the like, actual tests showing these are unhealthy, not just assuming it because of size)
  • I’m having trouble walking a flight of stairs without being winded.
  • I can’t fit into chairs with arms on it and I’d like to go to the movies, fly airplanes, meetings at work, whatever
  • I don’t think this is where my body should be.
Volumptuous

Drawn from a model who claims to be size 18, even though a lot of fat activists tell me she isn't fat enough

There are a ton more good reasons to lose volume (I say Volume not weight because weight is too abstract, I would be fine weighing 200lbs if I was a size 8, a more fit person will weight more than some people with more volume than they, so volume is my word to use) and more than I listed, I am not against losing weight, I am not for being unhealthy, I do think that everyone has their own size and not every healthy person is a size 10 or under.  (Sorry guys, using women’s sizes because that’s all I know)

Bad Reasons to want to lose Volume:

  • I want to be able to date
  • I am ugly because I’m fat
  • I’m a bad person because I’m fat
  • If I get skinny then people will like me
  • I hate myself
  • I want to go on a cruise, travel, go to Disney, run a marathon, have an adventure, learn to dance, and any other thing you think you can’t do fat.
  • Because my spouse doesn’t find me attractive anymore
  • Because the kids in school make fun of me for being fat
  • Because my friends make fun of me for being fat
  • Because my family gives me a hard time for being fat
  • Because everyone knows fat means unhealthy and I’m going to die
  • I want to look like those girls in the magazine, at my yoga class, at the mall, someone specific, anyone who isn’t you.
  • I should be the size I was when I was 16

And again, there are dozens more reasons that are the wrong reasons to want to lose volume.  Going from size 44 to size 4 won’t make you like yourself any better, it won’t fix you and it won’t cure your issues.  If someone else tells you that you need to lose, then it’s their problem, not yours.  If someone loves you, they love you, simply put.  Friendship, love and family are not based on our size, anyone who makes you feel that way aren’t as committed to you as they should be.  If someone doesn’t like you because you’re fat, A) they won’t like you when your small, and B) why would you want them as a friend to begin with?  Shallow much?

At Morano Island in Venice, living it up and having a blast around 250lbs

Why are you WAITING to do that thing you have always wanted to do?  You will never be ready to do it, no matter your size if you are WAITING.  Life is short, go out and live it, go do that thing you want to do, don’t let anything stop you.  I climbed all 315 steps to the top of the Giotto in Florence, I climbed the dome at St Peter’s Basilica in Rome (and battled my claustrophobia to do it) I went to disney even though there was a Ride I didn’t fit into (technically that was at Universal, it was the dragon coaster, the regular I fit and I fit every single ride at disney and found most of the seats to be way too roomy), I did a half marathon, power walked it and got a better time than Wil Wheaton did (I just happened to notice him tweet his time shortly after I did my race,) it tickled me that someone who looks to me thin and fit was a bit slower than fat me, he ran, I power walked.  I’ve traveled, I’ve gone to european beaches in a bathing suit, I’ve done a million things I hear fat people say they are WAITING to do when they get thin, I’m glad I did them now, I’m glad I’m living my life.  (I haven’t swam with dolphins yet, but mostly because I haven’t been to Seaworld or a place that does that yet.)  I used to go ice skating with a good friend, she’s tiny, I’m fat, she couldn’t do two laps of the rink without running out of breath, most people would look at us and think she’s the heathy one, nope.

LI Half

Me at over 200lbs, LI Half Marathon, I look good, but considered obese, I was very healthy.

If you think being fat makes you unhealthy then look at all the fat people who participate in marathons, who do yoga, who dance, who can hike all day and not break a sweat.  Look at me, even at my heaviest my blood pressure is low, my cholesterol is low, all the signs that point to bad health in fat people are reversed.  i happen to believe that I am meant to have a bit of extra volume, my goal is to be 50lbs over my BMI (BTW I hate the BMI because all it takes into consideration is height and weight, not muscle tone, body type, frame, chest size and other variables).  At 50lbs over my BMI I am a small size 8 (or was 8 years ago) and look fantastic, am a knockout and am super healthy.  At 40lbs over my BMI I was unhealthy, was unable to maintain consciousness through out the day and passed out while driving thanks to the combination of super low blood pressure and 100°F weather with no AC.  I should have paid attention to the warning signs, when I couldn’t donate a full pint of blood because my blood pressure wouldn’t pump out the blood, when I was getting dizzy spells more than I did before, when I saw white spots (I assumed they were floaters, those things in your eyes) and a dozen other signs that should have told me I was not healthy.  I just kept listening to the “heath experts” and was convinced I should be a certain weight (notice I said weight there) and I drove myself to experience health issues that my body never should have dealt with.  I say my goal is 50lbs above my BMI, in truth, I have a weight idea, but, my goal is really a size, I would like to be no smaller than a size 8, I think a size 10 is my perfect volume, it was when I was starting to get too small for size 8 that my problems started.

My point is, fix your mind and the volume can be handled.  Why did I wait 8 years to really commit to losing volume again, why did it take me getting back to the size I used to be?  Because I wasn’t ready, I didn’t need to be this big to “hit bottom” I needed to care for my mental health to be ready to actually commit.

I’m going long here, and if you made it this long I thank you and offer you a virtual cookie as a reward.

My basic rules for my body are:

  • Never Diet! (the D word is a bad word, it’s temporary and often unhealthy, change your diet, find the right foods for you and eat what you will eat the rest of your life.  Moderation and sometimes indulgence is the key)
  • Never deprive yourself or feel deprived
  • Never tell yourself you are not good enough or you can’t do something
  • Prove everyone else wrong
  • I can’t is not allowed
  • No self depreciation
  • Love yourself
  • Know that you are sexy, no matter what the outside looks like
  • You deserve to be happy
  • Live your life without limitations
  • Love the body you are in, ignore the haters

I’m sure there are more.  What do you think about this?  Is fat sexy?  Can you be healthy and be fat?  Is it OK to lose volume and still believe in health at any size?  What are your key rules for your body?

[1] The biggest loser Australia took down the video claiming copyright infringement.  Interesting, an Ad that is supposed to get people to your product, you block?  I think it is due to people getting upset at your stance that fat=shameful.  Hopefully it will teach them something.

Daily Creativity: International Women’s Day “Rosie”

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Rosie the Riveter
In honor of International Women’s Day I decided to sketch one of the most famous images of female empowerment and feminism.

Rosie the Riveter is an icon I grew up with, it’s more then just imagery but it’s history.  To me, the idea of Rosie is what every woman should aspire to, not that every woman needs to do manual labor but that when it comes down to it every woman can do what they can to help out, to make the world a better place and to maker her way in the world.  A woman can work with her hands, or in an office or anywhere including at home.  There shouldn’t be limits on women, but there shouldn’t be limits on men either.  True equality isn’t about women getting what they deserve, but everyone having the opportunity to become and be what they can.  Male, Female, Whatever. /soapbox

Pencil Sketch

 

PS: yes I know I am posting this two hours after the day is over, but MY day ends when I go to bed, so it’s still March 8th :P

It Gets Better

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There is a project called “It Gets Better” It is where LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, BiSexual & Transgender) people record videos to teens telling them It gets Better.  What gets better?  Life does.  Life is not high school, life changes as you grow up.  This is all in response to the teen suicides that have been happening, caused by kids who are being bullied for being gay.  Not that these types of suicides haven’t happened before, but there is attention on them now and it is a good reason to send this positive message.

You can find many videos by going to http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject and there are lots of really neat videos there, including one from Rick Mercer which he aired on his show (RMR) as one of his rants, and a 30 second clip of Sarah Silverman saying how if adults are going to tell Gays they can’t marry or server their country then is it a shock that kids are bullying other kids for the “crime” of being gay?  I watched, perhaps 20 videos today in one sitting.  I watched a few more through the last few days.

I have been sitting on this post because the idea of “It Gets Better” is about LGBT telling the youth of today that it is OK and things will work out, I am not L, G, B or T.  I’m not even Q (Questioning).  I was however a bullied teen.  Heck I was bullied for many reasons and very often called a fag, called a dyke, a lesbian you name it.  I’m not, that didn’t matter.  My friends today say I am the gayest straight girl you will ever meet.  Perhaps this is true, perhaps the kids back then were grasping onto something evident then… truth is they were kids, they picked on me for everything.  They teased me for being fat, for being poor (which as an adult, looking back I realize I was far from it, but as a kid, I thought I was, partly due to the bullying.  Partly for other reasons not related to this post).  They teased me for my hair being oily, for my pimples, for my clothes, they teased me when I was flat chested, they teased me when my boobs grew.  If I had old dated clothes, they teased me, if I bought new hip clothes they teased me.  It didn’t matter what I did, they teased me.  Oddly I don’t have many memories of being teased for having ADD, one would think that would have been the easiest to make fun of, that I had an extra class to learn to study, or that I took my tests in a different room.  For me the worst part of childhood wasn’t high school because by then I knew, and hoped there was something else, there was an escape.  I knew, when I graduated I would never have to deal with these people again.  The worst part for me was between 6th and 9th grade I think.  Between when it was names, taunts and only mild physical bullying, to the time when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and I had somehow got it in my head that what these people thought of me didn’t matter.  Those three years things got really harsh, it was when the insults were terribly personal and the bullies seemed to do research to figure out how to unhinge me.  When they would use other people to get to me, when they found ways to make me hate myself.  I wish I could say it was only in school I had this sort of unwanted attention.  Things also got pretty physical.  It could have gotten really out of hand too and I often attribute a moment of me losing control and letting my temper show in school… that and the bully not wanting anyone to know it was me that hurt him… but that was small.  This is when I learned that gum stuck in your hair needs to be frozen with an ice cube before you can begin to try and save any hair from it.  How hair spray can get paint and ink out of your clothes, because people put it on your chair when you went to the restroom and then pointed and laughed that you menstruated on yourself.  (Being a late bloomer it was just one more thing I was embarrassed about, and there really was no defense from that). I learned that when people give you compliments it is just them setting you up to make a bigger, meaner joke.  That one stuck with me for so long that it is hard to accept compliments.  I remember in college someone telling me I looked pretty and I bit his head off for it, because I expected it was a big joke.  I look back at photos and I wasn’t any of the things that they teased me for.  Sure I was weird, but I wasn’t the huge freak of nature I thought I was.  I cried myself to sleep thinking about how I made everyone’s life miserable… What I couldn’t see then was that it wasn’t me.

Bullying is never about the victim, it is about the bully.  Bulies bully because they are miserable, it is about them.  They are out there trying to make you feel as bad as they do.  Or, they are deflecting, they feel fat, ugly or weird and so they point out you are to keep the attention off them.  Some bullies bully because they are being bullied elsewhere.  They are getting hit at home, or something else, so they come into school and act out the same abuse they are receiving from the people who are supposed to take care of them.  Then there’s the worst one to come to terms with, the bully who doesn’t know they are bullying.  There was a kid in my school that no matter what I said, anytime I spoke up in class he would mock me to the whole class and continue for the next few days.  Much later, I was in college and he was working with my sister, when talking he told my sister that for some reason I hated him.  When she told me I was shocked, because his case in point for me hating him had nothing to do with anything.  It was a small little thing that happened once… I simply responded to him being an oaf (and a homophobe if I remember) and called him out on it.  One of the few times I spoke up for myself.  As anyone who knows me, you know I like to talk, I have the gift for gab, the fact that I almost never spoke in school should let you know how much I was conditioned to not speak up.  Point is, this guy didn’t know he was a bully to me, didn’t know that since grade school he had been making me the big joke, he was clueless.  Sadly, I think most of the kids who were my bullies, didn’t realize they were.  They just went with the crowd, everyone thought I was weird and picked on me, so everyone thought I was weird and picked on me.  I learned once from someone that when she first moved and came to school she was told to not be my friend, if she was she wouldn’t have any others.  In school I only had one “friend” who in truth wasn’t a friend and was using me.  Still, I had one.  Just one.  Suppose I might be lucky for that, who knows.

High School as I said was a changer for me.  First off, my niece was born, and that opened my eyes.  I saw the world in a different way, I could see that there was a lot more to life then what I was seeing.  Taking care of a little baby can do that to you, it changes everything.  I changed a lot of things thanks to my niece.  I got my temper in control thanks to her(long story) and I started looking towards the future.  By the time I graduated I had my eye on the prize, perhaps a little too much.  In college so much of what I was doing was all to make sure that as an adult I had everything I needed.  A degree, work skills, good references, you name it.  I might have missed out on some of the slacker behavior my peers did… course that didn’t mean I didn’t party and have fun.

After college though, it just got better and better.  College was great by showing me that my mind was not wrong, I was not a freak for reading all the time.  Liking star trek was not the end of the world.  By the time I was out and hanging out with metal bands and out with lots of friends I found that some of the coolest people were like me.  Weird.  Being weird is good.  Being a geek is good.  Thinking for yourself and coming up with your own opinions is good.

It gets better, and it is awesome.

I’m so glad I never fell as low as far too many kids do, I wish I could let kids today know that it does get better.  I wish they would believe me.

Reality TV? For real?

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So I hate to admit it, but I was snagged by the reality TV bug.  Now I don’t often watch TV that much but, it is nice to have stuff on in the background when working on things.  I like the project type shows, not the catty shows.  This week I marathoned two shows, Work of Art and Project Runway Canada.

Work of art is a new Bravo show, I watched the first episode when visiting my sister and was kinda disgusted by it.  Granted I still think the idea of a competition show with art and art challenges is near impossible to judge and I do think that the artists were more judged on being “artsy” then producing art, but… I really liked a few of the contestants art when I caught a marathon near the end of the show.  I loved the guy that won, Abdi Farah, and was rooting for him the whole time.  His art most of the time grabbed me and mad me take notice.  I hated the people who played at being the tortured artist.  I could care less about those people, they really irritated me.  One chick, Jamie Lynn, I wanted to strangle.  She is not just “oh woe is me I’m an artist” but she also plays the victim.  She wants to be the victim and she does nothing but manipulate.  What irked me more, is how often she produced some moving work, though I must admit that I think more often then not it worked by accident.   I must say the show ended up better then it’s beginning, but the idea of judging art like that, it baffles me.

Next up, Project Runway Canada.  Now this again is something I saw in the beginning (of season 1) and had my criticisms. Love Iman, she is just plain awesome.  Now the mentor, at first look all I could think was “Who’s the freak with the porno stash?”  I must admit, at watching the last half of season 2 he is really good.  Brian Baily isn’t Tim Gunn, but then, there is only one Gunn.  Though I do think he is more of a mentor, and that is his job.  I wanted to smack some of the contestants, when the experts or just the people judging your work tell you something is wrong, don’t fight with them.  There is a lot of that, from people who go home of course :)  Now there are my two faves Sunny and Jessica.  Sunny is a happy Asian man with an epic mohawk and designs some amazing dresses that almost any woman would want to wear.  Jessica is a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) who is edgy but tasteful, in the shows I have seen she has made some really great dresses that could sometimes be considered art, and others something I would wear.  Also thanks to looking up their names for this post I have now spoiled myself on the end of the show AND found out that the show is canceled, no season 3 is happening.  Boo-Hiss!  Jessica interests me a lot, she is a BBW who seems very confidant in herself and he skills.  She is often being treated like trash by some of the other contestants, not all, but two who seem to have this attitude that because she is big she can’t design.  It is never said, but the idea is clearly there, they say everything BUT we hate her cause she is fat.  There is a huge stigma in the fashion world.  I remember in one of the Project Runway shows the designers felt put upon and that it was a horrid task to design plus sized clothes for one challenge, and those women weren’t even that big.  The idea of plus size models is also crazy since most plus sized models can still shop in regular stores, they rarely are 16 plus, and that is plus sized when it comes to shopping.  When Milan made a rule that models had to fit into the lowest of the bmi (don’t get me started on how that is not the best scale) the fashion world had a fit!  Karl Lagerfeld is known for being a fat hater.  Look at designer clothes, or even trendy clothes, very rarely does that label go past 12.  Most plus sized clothes are basic, and they are aimed at hiding the woman under clothing.  Rather then, I don’t know, accentuating the good curves a woman has.  Making well designed clothes in larger sizes doesn’t seem like such a hard concept to me, but to the people who run things, they seem to think it won’t sell or something.  Now I am larger girl, but I am not so big that I can’t get clothes, even in my current small town.  This designer Jessica I think would have trouble.  She would have a hard time finding all those trendy edgy outfits she wears on the show around here.  That to me is crazy, ESPECIALLY when I look around and see so many women bigger then the stores carry.  I wonder, where do they shop?  I used to work with a woman who was very large and wore nothing but leggings and size 40 tee shirts to work each day.  Now this was an office manager, someone who should be dressing to match her job.  She CLAIMED she was more comfortable like that.  I know that was not the case, the case was she had no outlet to buy professional clothes, even if she could afford it (Psst Plus size clothes cost way more).  I know the plus sized stores in the area, they didn’t carry her size.  Not at all.  Sure there is mail order, but when you are large ordering clothing is harder then ever, so what do you order? Elastic waisted pants and big baggy shirts.  Pathetic.  Now I know Jessica isn’t a plus sized designer, and that is not my point, even if I ranted off topic, my point is it is great to see a larger person on TV and have it be a positive image.  So often the overweight person is the joke, not this girl.  I love Sunny, and I love Jessica, and I am watching these reruns for them.

ho R U? thx by

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This is going to be a rant.

I hate LOL speak!

Correction, as someone once said there is a time and a place for everything, and the time and place for LOL speak is in big bold letters on top of pictures of cute cats and the like. (I am all for LOLcats and other icanhascheezburger.com related sites)

I understand that there are times when your character use is limited, text messaging, twitter updates and other mini communications. Here’s what I don’t understand, why is it that you type a U for you or a UR for your? You are only saving yourself two characters, do you need them that badly? Fine, you are strapped for character space, but why do I need a decoder ring to read your text? I understand typos, I mistype more then anyone. I understand spelling errors, I am not great at spelling and when using a phone to post, it is hard to get it right. Can’t people try? I hate it when it is clear that the poster doesn’t care to write properly.

It isn’t the actual use of the LOL speak that bothers me, it is the laziness and lack of respect for the language that bothers me. When I see LOL speak in emails, memos, blogs or worse yet hand written letters and notes, oh it just kills me.

How hard is it to hit the shift key with your pinky as you type the word I? Obviously you seem to be able to do it when writing U for you. People who know how to type shouldn’t use these short cuts, it doesn’t make you look cute, it makes you look like you are 7 or 80 and just got your first computer.

I love that most programs now underline misspelled words with a red line. I could right click and select the correct spelling but then I would never learn. I try to figure the correct spelling out myself to help myself improve. I like to use the writing I do on the internet to improve my skills, spelling, typing, grammar, you name it. There is always room for improvement. I do a lot of the old outdated things and I know it is uncommon and unliked by the newer crowds but I do it, it feels right to me. What do I mean? Well like putting two spaces after a period, sure newer word processing programs automatically make the right space after the period but I started typing on a typewriter, and before the programs did such things. (and wordpress takes out the extra space when I save a draft, thanks for foiling me WP!)

I don’t mind using common acronyms like LOL, j/k and the like, these have become a way to express tone on the internet, like an emoticon. These are actually very important. I just want to scream when I see people who I know to be or I think may be really smart in life, look so dumb online, and now in written word. Working in schools I am seeing that kids don’t realize that these shortcuts aren’t part of english, and if we aren’t careful they will be part of our language. I already have had students tell me they don’t need to learn to spell because of spell check. I have seen the dreaded R and U in homework, scholastic essays and cards written to me, how is this considered OK?

I love the internet and I love technology, but we can’t let the tools that make life easier make us stupider. (Example Having a GPS is great, but you still need to know how to read a map and navigate or you will end up at a dead end with the little box in your car telling you to drive through the trees and no clue how to get home.)

I know this will get me more comments about how it is OK to use this bad english and that you don’t need to capitalize on the internet and that I am over reacting. I know that this will spark people to purposefully use LOL speak to irritate me. (As I have seen evidenced when I made a comment on facebook about this and now my whole family is out to get me with LOL speak.) I also know that this will only make people point and laugh at me when I screw up with my own typing and grammar, because lets face it, I’m no Grammar Girl.

As I type this, I see I am at over 700 words, and while I love to ramble on, the people of the internet and those who use LOL speak have stopped reading by now because of their short attention spans. So I am going to shut up now. I said my peace, I know it won’t change anything, but it bothers me. I just hear my mother yelling in my ear about proper writing when I read this stuff and it hurts.