Category Archives: IRL

It Gets Better

Posted on by
17

There is a project called “It Gets Better” It is where LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, BiSexual & Transgender) people record videos to teens telling them It gets Better.  What gets better?  Life does.  Life is not high school, life changes as you grow up.  This is all in response to the teen suicides that have been happening, caused by kids who are being bullied for being gay.  Not that these types of suicides haven’t happened before, but there is attention on them now and it is a good reason to send this positive message.

You can find many videos by going to http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject and there are lots of really neat videos there, including one from Rick Mercer which he aired on his show (RMR) as one of his rants, and a 30 second clip of Sarah Silverman saying how if adults are going to tell Gays they can’t marry or server their country then is it a shock that kids are bullying other kids for the “crime” of being gay?  I watched, perhaps 20 videos today in one sitting.  I watched a few more through the last few days.

I have been sitting on this post because the idea of “It Gets Better” is about LGBT telling the youth of today that it is OK and things will work out, I am not L, G, B or T.  I’m not even Q (Questioning).  I was however a bullied teen.  Heck I was bullied for many reasons and very often called a fag, called a dyke, a lesbian you name it.  I’m not, that didn’t matter.  My friends today say I am the gayest straight girl you will ever meet.  Perhaps this is true, perhaps the kids back then were grasping onto something evident then… truth is they were kids, they picked on me for everything.  They teased me for being fat, for being poor (which as an adult, looking back I realize I was far from it, but as a kid, I thought I was, partly due to the bullying.  Partly for other reasons not related to this post).  They teased me for my hair being oily, for my pimples, for my clothes, they teased me when I was flat chested, they teased me when my boobs grew.  If I had old dated clothes, they teased me, if I bought new hip clothes they teased me.  It didn’t matter what I did, they teased me.  Oddly I don’t have many memories of being teased for having ADD, one would think that would have been the easiest to make fun of, that I had an extra class to learn to study, or that I took my tests in a different room.  For me the worst part of childhood wasn’t high school because by then I knew, and hoped there was something else, there was an escape.  I knew, when I graduated I would never have to deal with these people again.  The worst part for me was between 6th and 9th grade I think.  Between when it was names, taunts and only mild physical bullying, to the time when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and I had somehow got it in my head that what these people thought of me didn’t matter.  Those three years things got really harsh, it was when the insults were terribly personal and the bullies seemed to do research to figure out how to unhinge me.  When they would use other people to get to me, when they found ways to make me hate myself.  I wish I could say it was only in school I had this sort of unwanted attention.  Things also got pretty physical.  It could have gotten really out of hand too and I often attribute a moment of me losing control and letting my temper show in school… that and the bully not wanting anyone to know it was me that hurt him… but that was small.  This is when I learned that gum stuck in your hair needs to be frozen with an ice cube before you can begin to try and save any hair from it.  How hair spray can get paint and ink out of your clothes, because people put it on your chair when you went to the restroom and then pointed and laughed that you menstruated on yourself.  (Being a late bloomer it was just one more thing I was embarrassed about, and there really was no defense from that). I learned that when people give you compliments it is just them setting you up to make a bigger, meaner joke.  That one stuck with me for so long that it is hard to accept compliments.  I remember in college someone telling me I looked pretty and I bit his head off for it, because I expected it was a big joke.  I look back at photos and I wasn’t any of the things that they teased me for.  Sure I was weird, but I wasn’t the huge freak of nature I thought I was.  I cried myself to sleep thinking about how I made everyone’s life miserable… What I couldn’t see then was that it wasn’t me.

Bullying is never about the victim, it is about the bully.  Bulies bully because they are miserable, it is about them.  They are out there trying to make you feel as bad as they do.  Or, they are deflecting, they feel fat, ugly or weird and so they point out you are to keep the attention off them.  Some bullies bully because they are being bullied elsewhere.  They are getting hit at home, or something else, so they come into school and act out the same abuse they are receiving from the people who are supposed to take care of them.  Then there’s the worst one to come to terms with, the bully who doesn’t know they are bullying.  There was a kid in my school that no matter what I said, anytime I spoke up in class he would mock me to the whole class and continue for the next few days.  Much later, I was in college and he was working with my sister, when talking he told my sister that for some reason I hated him.  When she told me I was shocked, because his case in point for me hating him had nothing to do with anything.  It was a small little thing that happened once… I simply responded to him being an oaf (and a homophobe if I remember) and called him out on it.  One of the few times I spoke up for myself.  As anyone who knows me, you know I like to talk, I have the gift for gab, the fact that I almost never spoke in school should let you know how much I was conditioned to not speak up.  Point is, this guy didn’t know he was a bully to me, didn’t know that since grade school he had been making me the big joke, he was clueless.  Sadly, I think most of the kids who were my bullies, didn’t realize they were.  They just went with the crowd, everyone thought I was weird and picked on me, so everyone thought I was weird and picked on me.  I learned once from someone that when she first moved and came to school she was told to not be my friend, if she was she wouldn’t have any others.  In school I only had one “friend” who in truth wasn’t a friend and was using me.  Still, I had one.  Just one.  Suppose I might be lucky for that, who knows.

High School as I said was a changer for me.  First off, my niece was born, and that opened my eyes.  I saw the world in a different way, I could see that there was a lot more to life then what I was seeing.  Taking care of a little baby can do that to you, it changes everything.  I changed a lot of things thanks to my niece.  I got my temper in control thanks to her(long story) and I started looking towards the future.  By the time I graduated I had my eye on the prize, perhaps a little too much.  In college so much of what I was doing was all to make sure that as an adult I had everything I needed.  A degree, work skills, good references, you name it.  I might have missed out on some of the slacker behavior my peers did… course that didn’t mean I didn’t party and have fun.

After college though, it just got better and better.  College was great by showing me that my mind was not wrong, I was not a freak for reading all the time.  Liking star trek was not the end of the world.  By the time I was out and hanging out with metal bands and out with lots of friends I found that some of the coolest people were like me.  Weird.  Being weird is good.  Being a geek is good.  Thinking for yourself and coming up with your own opinions is good.

It gets better, and it is awesome.

I’m so glad I never fell as low as far too many kids do, I wish I could let kids today know that it does get better.  I wish they would believe me.

Daily Creativity – Dragon*Cant

Posted on by
1


Sandra telling stories

Originally uploaded by nuchtchas

This weekend there were many Cons, Dragon*Con, PAX, WorldCon, you name it. While all of those conventions sound like fun Labor Day is never a good weekend for me, it is pretty expensive and to tell the truth, I am pretty scared about the crowds.

Out of a joke a wonderful thing happened, Dragon*Cant. It is a virtual con for everyone who can’t make it to the big cons. There were panels and readings on ustream with a fun chat going on at each event. There was a dealers room (though limited) and even con badges, virtual ones of course. If you are on my twitter stream I am sure you have heard me tweet about this…. I am also sure I annoyed some people to no end due to my excitement, but I am just as sure that many on my feed were happy to get those same tweets so… If you don’t like me tweeting about what excites me unsubscribe. I may not always be excited about the same things as you, but sometimes I will… I digress.

The people who put together Dragon*Cant did this all in three days, three days! That is sick! They got around 5K visits to the site, 39 FB fans and tons of tweets. It is kinda inspiring, and it made me think about next year. I want to get involved, and I think it could be fun. At first, I thought “Who are you to do a panel, you are no one.” Then I thought, “why not me?” So my thoughts are to somehow figure out how to do a drawing or some form of art panel next year. It will be a little tricky as I don’t really draw on the computer, like MANY people who do drawing ustreams do, I would have to hook up the webcam aimed at my sketchbook, and not move it. An interesting thing to take on.

Tonight, while Sandra Wickham was doing her reading I started sketching her. I then inked it, thinking it would look good comicy. I ended up scanning that and coloring it in photoshop. I added the book her short story was published in, Evolve, as the background. I hope she likes it.

Reality TV? For real?

Posted on by
Reply

So I hate to admit it, but I was snagged by the reality TV bug.  Now I don’t often watch TV that much but, it is nice to have stuff on in the background when working on things.  I like the project type shows, not the catty shows.  This week I marathoned two shows, Work of Art and Project Runway Canada.

Work of art is a new Bravo show, I watched the first episode when visiting my sister and was kinda disgusted by it.  Granted I still think the idea of a competition show with art and art challenges is near impossible to judge and I do think that the artists were more judged on being “artsy” then producing art, but… I really liked a few of the contestants art when I caught a marathon near the end of the show.  I loved the guy that won, Abdi Farah, and was rooting for him the whole time.  His art most of the time grabbed me and mad me take notice.  I hated the people who played at being the tortured artist.  I could care less about those people, they really irritated me.  One chick, Jamie Lynn, I wanted to strangle.  She is not just “oh woe is me I’m an artist” but she also plays the victim.  She wants to be the victim and she does nothing but manipulate.  What irked me more, is how often she produced some moving work, though I must admit that I think more often then not it worked by accident.   I must say the show ended up better then it’s beginning, but the idea of judging art like that, it baffles me.

Next up, Project Runway Canada.  Now this again is something I saw in the beginning (of season 1) and had my criticisms. Love Iman, she is just plain awesome.  Now the mentor, at first look all I could think was “Who’s the freak with the porno stash?”  I must admit, at watching the last half of season 2 he is really good.  Brian Baily isn’t Tim Gunn, but then, there is only one Gunn.  Though I do think he is more of a mentor, and that is his job.  I wanted to smack some of the contestants, when the experts or just the people judging your work tell you something is wrong, don’t fight with them.  There is a lot of that, from people who go home of course :)  Now there are my two faves Sunny and Jessica.  Sunny is a happy Asian man with an epic mohawk and designs some amazing dresses that almost any woman would want to wear.  Jessica is a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) who is edgy but tasteful, in the shows I have seen she has made some really great dresses that could sometimes be considered art, and others something I would wear.  Also thanks to looking up their names for this post I have now spoiled myself on the end of the show AND found out that the show is canceled, no season 3 is happening.  Boo-Hiss!  Jessica interests me a lot, she is a BBW who seems very confidant in herself and he skills.  She is often being treated like trash by some of the other contestants, not all, but two who seem to have this attitude that because she is big she can’t design.  It is never said, but the idea is clearly there, they say everything BUT we hate her cause she is fat.  There is a huge stigma in the fashion world.  I remember in one of the Project Runway shows the designers felt put upon and that it was a horrid task to design plus sized clothes for one challenge, and those women weren’t even that big.  The idea of plus size models is also crazy since most plus sized models can still shop in regular stores, they rarely are 16 plus, and that is plus sized when it comes to shopping.  When Milan made a rule that models had to fit into the lowest of the bmi (don’t get me started on how that is not the best scale) the fashion world had a fit!  Karl Lagerfeld is known for being a fat hater.  Look at designer clothes, or even trendy clothes, very rarely does that label go past 12.  Most plus sized clothes are basic, and they are aimed at hiding the woman under clothing.  Rather then, I don’t know, accentuating the good curves a woman has.  Making well designed clothes in larger sizes doesn’t seem like such a hard concept to me, but to the people who run things, they seem to think it won’t sell or something.  Now I am larger girl, but I am not so big that I can’t get clothes, even in my current small town.  This designer Jessica I think would have trouble.  She would have a hard time finding all those trendy edgy outfits she wears on the show around here.  That to me is crazy, ESPECIALLY when I look around and see so many women bigger then the stores carry.  I wonder, where do they shop?  I used to work with a woman who was very large and wore nothing but leggings and size 40 tee shirts to work each day.  Now this was an office manager, someone who should be dressing to match her job.  She CLAIMED she was more comfortable like that.  I know that was not the case, the case was she had no outlet to buy professional clothes, even if she could afford it (Psst Plus size clothes cost way more).  I know the plus sized stores in the area, they didn’t carry her size.  Not at all.  Sure there is mail order, but when you are large ordering clothing is harder then ever, so what do you order? Elastic waisted pants and big baggy shirts.  Pathetic.  Now I know Jessica isn’t a plus sized designer, and that is not my point, even if I ranted off topic, my point is it is great to see a larger person on TV and have it be a positive image.  So often the overweight person is the joke, not this girl.  I love Sunny, and I love Jessica, and I am watching these reruns for them.

Immortality? Or the Couch?

Posted on by
Reply

So I was listening to The WEIRD Show The feedback episode today on my drive up to CT, and it got me thinking. The question posed was, if we could cure death, if human beings would live forever baring freak accident or violence then would that mean people would be lazy and never strive to accomplish anything? If you knew you had forever, if you no longer feared mortality then would you work hard to leave something positive behind?

I don’t know.

What I do know is that my family has a long history of longevity, not only that but my family tends to have their faculties almost up till the end. I have known most of my life that my life expectancy is around 100 years. I am in no rush to have children, I never was in a rush to get married and I wonder if that has something to do with the fact that I have always known I have time to do all of that. I know a lot of people who complain to me that they are not married yet or have kids yet and I look at them thinking they are young, and I wonder now what if they just have less time then I do? Or worse yet, they think they have less time?

People think of 65 as the age to retire, my mother and father are that old and older and still going strong. My mother is trying for an executive director position and she would be perfect for it. She says her age might be a draw back to her getting the spot because people tend to retire around 65, yet my mother will be working till she no longer can. When you are good at what you do and like it why retire? What? Retire at 65 and have another 30 years to just sit around? What’s the point? My father works in a high stress field, most sea captains retire around 55 or younger, my father is 67? or so and is still going strong. He can work for quite a few more years. He keeps talking about retirement because all of his friends (who are younger then he) are retired but I know him, if he didn’t have work to return to not only would he be bored but he would be cranky as all get out.

So back to my point, does the fact that I expect to live longer make me live more for the moment? Because that is what I feel I do, I am living for the moment, I am very happy to be at the age I am at. When I was young I was concerned with making sure I had a good education and a degree that could support me. I knew I would be older longer then I would be young so I needed to take advantage while I could. Now that I am still young but older I am happy to enjoy myself now., To enjoy my freedom as an adult while slo enjoying my youth and not hurrying to get into the next stage of life, motherhood.

Now I am a married woman, not even a year married, I am almost 32 and loving where I am. I am happy to be here and not rushing to have kids. When I am ready to have kids I am sure I will want that stage of my life to last as long as it can, just as I would love this stage to last a good long while too. I’m in no rush, I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything.

Now, is that because I have a different mindset then most? Or because I feel I am on a different timeline? I don’t fear mortality? (Or is it just me being lazy?)

Debt

Posted on by
1

Yesterday I read a twitter from a young woman lamenting that she was still a teen and in debt and this got me thinking about debt and the current state of the economy. Everyone is crying about debt, upset at how things have turned out and yet it is clear that many people (not all) have made a lot of bad choices.

A few years ago SOMEONE asked me how I manage on such a small income (at the time she and I made the same and she still lived at home while I had been out of the house since I was 19). I told her that if she followed my practices not only could she pull herself out of debt but that she could be buying a house not long after. If she and I had the same going in but she had less NEEDed finances then she would have no trouble saving. She was interested and I started with the rules.

  1. get rid of all your credit cards (always have one for emergencies but NEVER use it)
  2. only spend what you have, if you don’t have the money you can’t spend
  3. write down everything you purchase, everything.
  4. remove your monthly expenses ahead of anything else, rent, phone, student loans, other debts already made. You only get to spend the left overs.

She then asked me about shopping, and clothes and when I explained how being careful with your washing means you don’t need to buy new clothes every season she just started shaking her head. She couldn’t follow my rules, couldn’t live without shopping or credit cards.

Three years later, everyone including SOMEONE is singing a different tune. It’s no longer about who your wearing or what your driving, it’s about paying your bills. Now the push is to spend less, be green and to be less extravagant. My way of thinking is much more accepted. Retail Therapy is now a dirty word. People are finally realizing they don’t need the latest dohicky. Of course we still spend, and people aren’t living as monks but has improved tons.

I admit it, I have debts, but all of my debts work for me. My car was financed, my interest rate is lower then the rate of inflation, so I have paid less for the car over the years then I would have if I bought it out right. My student loans give me good credit and help me out at the end of the year with taxes as all the interest I do pay is a write off. My wedding costs were low in comparison and put on a line of credit, paid most of it off and the interest is very low and being paid off monthly. Debt isn’t evil, it helps give you credit and helps you in the future, getting buried under it is evil. When you’re spending you need to think “Is this NEEDed? And will I regret it next year while I’m still paying it off?”

Tips:

  • don’t buy lunch, brown bag it
    the food will be better and healthier also
  • don’t drop 100 bucks at the club on drinks
    drinks at a club and bar are way over priced, if you must drink, prime at home before you get to the club
  • movies are fun but costly, only see movies that seeing them in the theatre makes a difference
    skip the drinks and popcorn too, look for daytime showings or half price nights
  • coupons, coupons, coupons
    don’t feel embarrassed, feel empowered when you whip those bad boys out at the cash register
  • AAA
    got a AAA or CAA card? You’ll be amazed how many places give you a discount with that. I use mind for 10 percent off dinner all the time
  • REBATES!
    most electronics have mail in rebates, that’s free money, don’t forget to submit those
  • bring back your cans
    you paid the deposit, why not get that money back? Do you like throwing nickels in the trash?
  • Walk instead of driving
    short trips and walking distance, why not walk?
  • brew your own coffee
    why spend 3 bucks for a five minutes of coffee
  • second hand stores are your friend
  • bring your old games in for cash
  • buy used games & movies
  • buy in bulk
    group up with your friends, a family of three doesn’t need 18 chicken breasts, but you can split up those big packages among families.
  • save your MPG
  • cancel satellite radio and start downloading podcasts
    half the shows on satellite are available for download anyways, why pay for it

Do you have more tips? make them known in the comments section of this post.